Tag Archives: Business

braces.

so many topics in the works we need to get to, but i made a promise to a homegirl that this topic would be up next and as a man that is true the words i choose to be true to, let’s get to it. a famous elf named buddy once opined that ‘[he] just liked to smile. smiling’s [his] favorite!’ to which i say, ‘right on.’ it seems like there are two main reasons why something shows its teeth. for most creatures, it’s an imposing scare tactic. for us humans, it seems to be a sign of enjoyment and pleasure. as i like being enjoyed and pleasured, smiling comes in handy. it also seems that people like to smile prettily.

i feel i can only speak towards americans because i have no idea about teeth habits in other countries, save for the english (not known for their teeth) and the canadians (where the absence of teeth is like a purple heart for hockey). in order to ‘smile well’ americans seem to have chosen braces as the vehicle to do so, but there seems to have been a shady collusion that took place at some point between dentists, orthodontists and parents. that agreement led to years of awkward class pictures and mockery for kids in middle school. at a time when kids do not really need a specific reason to get picked on, parents handed bullies everywhere a mouthful of metal and months of metal mouth insults. sure it’s as cliched as calling little timmy four-eyes because he needs glasses due to the fact that he’s blind as a stinkin bat, but in middle school, rarely are kids worried about cliches.

i, personally, had braces two and half times plus one hulking contraption of plastic and metal that was so cruel i’m pretty sure it was created in some faraway medieval dungeon. the first time i got braces, i got the taunts and i took my awkward lumps and moved on. then, my (allegedly) wise teeth showed up and pushed everything around and screwed it all up again. out came the wisdom teeth, in went more braces and bing-bang-boom my teeth were as straight as the army during the clinton and bush administrations.

leaving aside the fact that dentists and orthodontists push this crap like they are on the corner slinging crystal (breaking bad. so good. so, so good.), braces bite. they suck like hoovers. all the way around. getting braces is akin to the (hopefully now defunct) ‘custom’ of foot binding. forced manipulation of one’s body due to some cultural or societal pressure for a particular ‘look’. speaking of buddy the elf (what’s your favorite color?!), will ferrell has some gangly, gnarly, jacked up mandibular teeth. you know who cares? no one. it fact, not getting braces and keeping that gap can actually make you a star.

you might not know paul scheer by name, but you there’s a chance you’ve seen his face. if you look at him with his mouth closed like in this picture, he is the creepy guy you avoid at the bar, but because he’s never had braces (as seen here), he is a comedy star and all over television. same goes for michael strahan, take a look. strahan is a retired football player, but you see his face on every damn subway commercial or whenever something happens in the nfl because he has a gap in his grin big enough to drive a buick through. it’s his personal marketing tool and he knows it. without having that extraordinary amount of space between two teeth, he is just another ex-football player no one really thinks about.

braces take special, custom built, unique, user specific smiles and homogenizes them to some creepy uniform smile from a crest commercial. i hate braces. i mean, how can you really get down with something that doesn’t allow you to eat popcorn or bite an apple? the only bracing that should be going on is embracing. embracing good ideas, friends and big gulps. ‘welp see ya later.’


belt loops.

remember housing? like, your pants? good god i miss the nineties (was anyone else paying attention to ‘welcome freshmen’ on nickelodeon? it was like ‘saved by the bell’ but more flannel, more drama and everyone’s sitting around super bummed out. it was the nineties. youtube it.). for those of you that have a seven year memory shelf life, housing was the unnecessarily awesome act of pulling one’s pants down several inches so that they rested awkwardly on the butt displaying one’s boxers, butt crack or both. i dont know why housing was ‘a thing’ but it was. as i recall, housing made its way to the central florida ‘burbs around the same time i made the crucial switch from sporting tighty whities to boxers underneath my sweet umbros (important aside: that’s not me pictured). so maybe it was a case of ‘im wearing boxers now and i want people to know it damnit’ but that’s not likely. it was probably just a case of other people in the ‘hood’ were pulling their umbros (perfectly named by the way, um bros?) down and then i started pulling my umbros down too.

housing always led to that awkward dance of trying to look cool, teetering between uncomfortable/comfortable and not accidentally pantsing yourself. thankfully, im pretty sure the housing fad has (for the most part) passed us by. unfortunately, that housing fad was replaced by the current housing fad of not having a house. dont get me wrong there are still some staunch housers. i get to look at them on the corner of 41st and 9th everyday eating 99 cent pizza slices, but largely we waved bye-bye to housing sometime between clueless and when paul rudd showed up again. with the fad firmly behinds us, we had to place our umbros in our ‘memento box’ in the closet and burned the pictures of ourselves housing like idiots. then we were forced to go to marshall’s and buy a respectable pair of pants and a belt.

at some point, while we were all on vacation wearing our umbros (so comfortable and breezy!), the fashion ‘industry’ decided that the number and location of belt loops on pants required a much needed shakeup. no more were the days when you be confident that you had two loops in the front, two loops on the side and one loop in the back. the most glaring change was, also unfortunately, the most subtle. they shifted that back loop over two inches, added another on the opposite side and the deed was done. two in the front. two on the side. two in the back.

it’s now glaringly apparent that the general public needed a PSA to realize these pant alterations, but alas mr. (or mrs., i really cant be sure) levi did no such thing. so now we have a load of blissfully ignorant souls bumbling around with one missed belt loop in the back because they are unaware of the changes to pant practices. now, i can muster up a bit of empathy for those people because it’s important to have a healthy level of self-unawareness. without the right amount of self-unawareness we’d all be curled up in the fetal position at home with the lights out because human beings are, by nature, completely flawed. so while i understand that the dungaree jeans that people wore before they started wearing umbros probably had one belt loop in the back, and some of the current more popular styles dont much worry themselves with the loops at all, but largely the post-umbro pant world has two loops floating around back there. ‘the skippers’ as we’ll call them, go to the first and think they are done. i get it, but missing that second loop annoys the ever loving poop out of me.

i know this is earth shattering stuff here, so if it’s too overwhelming for you and you’re sitting there in the fetal position rocking back and forth in the dark, im here to provide you two surefire solutions so you’ll never have to worry about the quantity of belt loops on any pair of pants. first, you can go old school and say ‘the hell with the belt!’ like this guy of dirt inventing fame. if rocking the straight ‘spendies isnt your jam, option two might be more your cup o’ tea. option two is to go new school with the young fashionistas chris ‘mac daddy’ kelly and chris ‘daddy mac’ smith (double thanks to the fledging duo for also creating one of the dopest songs of the 90s).

belt loops save us from having to house to be cool, prevent us from getting pantsed, provide a designated resting place for the most underrated clothing accessory we own and are pretty much solely made to handle our fat fluctuating asses. belt loops are great but they are also extremely powerful. with great power comes great responsibility (or so spiderman tells me). be responsible with your belt loops and make sure they all get equal attention because i just about have a conniption every time i see someone walking around with a skipped loop and im no fun to be around when im in a fit of rage over something that matters not in the slightest.