head patting.

i hate people touching my head. it goes way back to being a little kid and while currently my hair is disgustingly coarse and poo-stained (in color only), it was once a brilliant blonde so delicate it was almost white. lavish curls. i was adorable until about the age of three. the reason i cant stand people touching my head, even to this day, is because when i was a little kid creepy old strangers would approach me and start groping my hair and commenting on how adorable i was. if only the could see the goofy chimp-like face im forced to work it today. regardless, it left me traumatized and now almost no one can get close to touching my head. you can gauge our friendship level on how close i allow you to get to my head. with most people in the ‘stay the f away’ zone.

that personal trauma leads me to the subject of head patting. i hate head patting. its annoying and completely condescending. you can even hear a voice feigning pity while saying, ‘aww there there’ as they gingerly dab your head with their unwashed hand. they fluctuate their voice to create that sing-songy phrase indicating their understanding and feeling of empathy. it should better be recognized as apathy masked with a furrowed brow and gently pursed lips in the shape of a frown.

so imagine my surprise when i felt a great big ol’ hand tapping the top of my inevitable afro (theres really nothing i can do with my hair these days, afro or bust) last week while reading david brooks’ recent op-ed (hope youre not over your NYT monthly allotment). if nothing else, brooks usually puts together a concise and insightful column, good enough for a quick read and a few minutes of my time. by the end of that piece, however, i was seething. brooks is by no means the first person to come out with an opinion on the ‘oh-woe-is-me’ generation of current and recent college graduates, but as a self identifying member of the latter, we get it. the current situation is not lost on any of us. believe me, fox news has yelled loud enough for us all to hear. ‘worst recession since the depression’, ‘were all in this together’, ‘its not your fault’… save it.

clearly, the current situation was unintentional and the latent function of a long series of misguided actions made by many people because if it wasnt, then y’all are a bunch of rear-end holes. the fact of the matter is, the same people talking and patting our little noggins are the people that laid this situation before us. i have no patience for meaningless words and youre messing up my ‘fro. either do something and fix it, or shut up and get out of the way. we have shit to do. i need a job so i can figure out how to pay for the tall boy PBRs from last night.

so as we squirm our body to take our head out of the path of their collective hand as it descends for another pat, just as i did as a three year old to avoid the disturbing and smelly old ladies at the mall, i hope we can remember this feeling and learn from the mistakes that we didnt necessarily make, but the mistakes we still have to clean up. and dont touch my head.


2 responses to “head patting.

  • Mike

    for not sending me the link to this, i will be patting your head for some time to come.

  • Ryan

    this post was like an episode of “the simpsons” it started off going one way and ended some place completely different, and all along it made you laugh. nice rant dude!

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